First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
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My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize