dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
