sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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