No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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