I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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