I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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