um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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