Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
