when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
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Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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