sarcasm needs its own font
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I need moral support for this bender
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
