My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
