I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
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All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
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You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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