did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
