I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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