The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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