I don't think brook has ever known best
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
