I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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