i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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