it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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