Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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