You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
