my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
