girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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