I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
