Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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