Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
