Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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