Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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