If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
