my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
