i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
