just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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