I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.