Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
