god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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