I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
this beer tastes like vomit already
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
