"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize