We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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