Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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