After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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