i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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