i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
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Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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