Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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