Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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