there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
