Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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