You're completely useless in the revolution.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
