Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
