My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
