There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
