I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
