I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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