i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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