I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
