I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
