So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Green mimosas i think yes
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
we're so committed to being not committed
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
