i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
