I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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