I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
