I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
do nipples grow back?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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