Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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