My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
